Innocence Lost
by Andromakhe
Summary: Leo sits alone in his room, contemplating the burden of leadership. Set a day after "New Girl in Town."


Disclaimer: Everyone knows the drill. Fanfic, just for fun, etc. Not for profit.

A/N: Just something I had to express about "New Girl in Town." When I first saw the ep, I was so mad at Splinter for scolding Leo when I thought he was asking for something valid - some appreciation. Later, I realized Splinter was being a teacher then and not a father, so he was right that leadership is a job that just has to be done regardless. I'm trying to capture my own knee-jerk anger and pain here.

I've been seeing so many depressing Leo fics lately. Here's my contribution. Maybe a little OOC, but I don't think it's realistic to not feel any negativity after what Leo has been forced to endure on a regular basis.

I'm sitting here on my bed, lost in melancholy. My door's closed and while I can hear the sounds of a video game through it, the noise is substantially muffled. Certainly enough to think.

Sensei's words about the burden of leadership keep repeating, echoing in my head. "It doesn't matter that the burden is heavy. It matters that you carry it."

"Leadership is about responsibility." Well, I suppose I now know why Sensei chose me. Raph doesn't know the meaning of the word. Responsibility is about doing what you don't want, doing what needs doing, being willing to do what it takes to get the job done. And that's the hardest thing to do sometimes.

But is it so wrong to desire a thank you every once in a while? Is it wrong to wish that those I fear for and do my best to protect had some consideration and at least didn't make my job harder or the burden heavier? Am I no longer allowed to have a heart? Is it now a mark of shame to need anything?

Even Sensei betrayed me. I got scolded instead of sympathy. All I wanted was for him to say, "I understand, my son. Your job is not easy. But your brothers need you. Do not abandon them." What did Sensei think? That I wanted my pride stroked? That I was being immature? I can't help that praise and approval mean so much to me. Why? Why'd he let me down?

I bury my head in my pillow and begin to weep. For what, I do not know. All I know is that I've lost something and I'm not sure if leadership was really worth whatever it was.

Is my position even important? Sensei doesn't do things just because we ask. He didn't choose me for the job merely because I requested it. I know this. He acts according to what he thinks we can handle, what he thinks we're prepared for. And yet, sometimes, he treats us as though we're still children. I know we're not adults yet but for him to assume automatically that I'm immature…It's insulting. It's not like he's never been immature.

He should try leading a team that disobeys at every turn, that argues or questions every order, a team that clearly thinks I have no right to command them. A part of me wishes someone would tell him no, and do it enough so that he knows what I feel like. Then again, no one would because we know we can't defeat him and would likely get hurt for our trouble. It's not fair. I'm not old enough that age might sway my brothers and I'm not strong enough to strike real fear in them.

Sensei's position is not like mine. He's a leader and father all the time. I'm a leader some of the time, but also a brother and a son. And brothers and sons are not leaders, are they? At least, not while the father still lives.

Sensei can be sure of his position. His burden, while heavy, is probably lightened somewhat by the fact that even if we argue, his word is law. I don't have that kind of luxury. So how does he have the right to scold me for letting Raph give it a try?

I sit up and wipe my eyes with a tissue, removing my damp mask in the process. I can't explain the way I see things because I'll probably just get scolded again. The guys wouldn't get it. Raph might have apologized, but I'm not sure even he would really understand.

I wish Karai were here. Somehow, I think she would get it, would sympathize with the frustration and pain of being scolded by one's father and being dismissed as an ignorant fool who doesn't know as much and therefore has invalid opinions.

For now, I'm expected to carry on as though I'm fine, as though my father didn't just stomp on my heart and bruise it. I'm supposed to accept leadership again, be gracious, not hold grudges. I must pretend to bear no ill will or resentment toward my family. And I will, because leadership is responsibility. But I know now. I, Hamato Leonardo, no longer matter.


End file.
